I don't think much about the big war any more, the one called "the second one"...
...because the small wars that came after it seem bigger now than the big war was.
Most people today look back at the big one with sort of fond memories.
It was, in a sense, an OK war.
We knew why we were fighting it and felt pretty proud of ourselves for being in it.
We liked the songs, we liked the uniforms...
...we liked the girls and we liked that everyone liked us.
So, looking back, it was one ofyour better wars...
...except ifyou were a year out of high school heading south in a troop train...
...knowing in two months you'd be in a mudhole fighting for your life.
We were in a filthy train heading for basic training in Biloxi, Mississippi...
...and on the entire trip in the train nobody washed.
We were preparing to fight Germany and Japan...
...but instead we were stinking up America.
- Hey, what the hell's with you? - You talkin' to me, garbage face?
- Yeah, pisshead! - Who you callin' pisshead, jerk-off?
Knock it off, shit brains!
Up your keister with a meat hook, Wykowski.
It was my fifth day in the army, and so far I hated everyone.
Where the hell are we anyway?
Hey, Shakespeare, where the hell are we?
West virginia.
No shit. Where's that near?
You don't know where West virginia is? Didn't you ever take geography?
I was sick that day.
Hey! Hey, what's for chow?
Turkey breasts and white wine.
- In a pig's ass. - Right, that's how they serve it.
You better eat, guys, cos it ain't gonna be this good in Mississippi.
Joseph Wykowski from Bridgeport, Connecticut, had the stomach of a goat.
He could eat anything. His favourite was Hershey bars with the wrappers still on.
Arnold Epstein, an intellectual from New York...
...was my only hope for intelligent conversation.
Hey, Arnold, if I wanted to become a writer, who do you recommend I read?
The entire third floor of the New York Public Library.
Hey, Epstein, you wanna read somethin', huh? Read this!
It was hard to believe they had mothers and fathers who were worried about them.
- Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? - It's 2.30 in the goddamn morning!
- You were singin' again. - I was not!
You practically made a record.
- What was I singing? - Chattanooga Choo-Choo
"Chattanooga Choo-Choo"? I don't even know "Chattanooga Choo-Choo".
Whoa! Goddammit!
- Somebody let go! - Oh! Hey, was it you, Carney?
- I'm not gonna do that when I'm singing! - Maybe you sang to cover it up.
Hey, Jerome, write this in your diary: "Major fart in West virginia."
Wait a minute. It's comin' from up there.
Hey, bombardier.
- Kill Germans, not Gls. - Oh, brother.
- I'm sorry. I'm not feeling very well. - Well, now we're all not feeling very well.
Does anyone have an Alka-Seltzer tablet?
Pluggin' it up ain't gonna help, Epstein.
Boy, it's hot. This is hot.
Find your company. Company letters are over the door. Form a single line.
Be prepared to give your name to the men at the desk.
What the hell you think you're lookin' at? You just dig. You don't stop.
Where are you guys from?
- Fort Dix, New Jersey. What's it like? - It's real rough.
We've been here a week. Ten guys died from malaria. We're buryin' em in here.
- Are you serious? - He's full of shit. It's a drainage ditch.
I didn't know it was gonna be this hot. This is really hot.
Hey, watch out for the pole!
Jesus! Did you see that? That pole just went down. Whack.
Everything falls here. Telephone poles, flagpoles.
Bugs eat 'em. Pretty soon we're all gonna go.
Never got this hot in Brooklyn.
This is like Africa hot.
Tarzan couldn't take this kinda hot.
Better get a shine on those shoes, rookie.
I think they've taken us to a German prison camp.
Detail, halt!
You men fall out and fall in on me. Column of twos, down here.
This platoon is assigned to this barracks.
Remain here until further instructions from your sergeant.
You will remain on your feet. No smokin' and no goddamn tobacco-chewin'.
At ease.
He must think we're stagecoach drivers.
Shut your ass. These non-coms hear everything.
Perfect. It only took the army five minutes to turn Wykowski into a robot.
Jesus, I'm dripping wet. This place is like a steam bath.
I can't stay if it's gonna be this hot.
- I shoulda joined the navy. It's cooler. - Navy's for homos.
I pictured the army different. I pictured a lotta doughnuts and USO dances.
Hi.
How are ya?
Good to see ya.
- Hello, soldier. - Hello.
Hi, sarge.
Hm.
Detail, attention.
Sorry, men, perhaps I didn't make myself clear.
Detail, ten hut!
Good. Good. At ease, gentlemen.
My name is Toomey. Sergeant Merwin J Toomey. I'm in charge of this platoon...
...during your ten weeks of basic training here in beautiful Biloxi, Mississippi.
After which, you'll be sent to some shit island in the Pacific...
...or some turd pile in Northern Sicily.
In either case, returning to your mamas and papas with your balls intact...
...is highly improbable.
I speak from experience, having served 14 months...
...having donated a small portion of my brains to this conflict...
...the other portion being protected by a heavy steel plate in my head.
I'd like you to answer when your name is called. The answer to the question is "ho".
Not "yes", not "right", not "here", not 'sir".
Any other unacceptable form of reply, except the aforementioned "ho".
Am I understood?
- Peek, David P. - Ho.
- Hennesey, James J. - Ho.
- Wykowski, Joseph T. - Ho.
- Selridge, Roy W. - Ho.
- Carney, Donald J. - Ho.
- Jerome, Eugene M. - Ho.
- Epstein, Arnold B. - Ho, ho.
- Are there two Epsteins in this company? - No, Sergeant.
- Just gimme one goddamn "ho". - Yes, Sergeant.
- Epstein, Arnold B. - Ho.
- One more time. - Ho.
- Do I make myself clear, Epstein? - Ho.
- Do I make myself clear, Jerome? - Ho, yes.
- Ho, what? - Ho, nothing.
- You havin' trouble understanding me? - Ho, no.
I mean, no, ho, Sergeant.
It's just plain ho.
Hey, Fred Astaire, you tryin' to tell me somethin'?
I have to go to the bathroom, Sergeant.
How you gonna do that? We don't have bathrooms in the army.
- They had them in Fort Dix. - Not bathrooms.
Yes, they did. I went in them a lot.
I'm tellin' you, we don't have any bathrooms on this base.
- You doubt my veracity? - No, Sergeant.
- Then you got a problem, haven't you? - Ho, ho.
You bet your ass, ho, ho.
- You know why you got a problem? - Cos I have to go real bad.
No, son, you got a problem because you don't know army terminology.
The place where a US soldier goes to defecate, relieve himself...
...open his bowels, shit, fart, dump, crap and unload is called a latrine.
Latrine. From the French.
Wanna tell us what's funny about that, Jerome?
It's just that you said all those words in one sentence, Sergeant.
Apparently, you don't understand the benefit of discipline. Do you, Jerome?
The benefit? Yes, I think I do.
Then tell it to me, Jerome. What is the benefit of discipline?
Well, it's to benefit the army's, uh...
...to the way that soldiers... to... whatever you say, Sergeant.
- Lookin' to get your ass in a sling? - No, Sergeant. It's fine the way it is.
The benefit of discipline is that it will win this war for us.
Therefore, until you learn that fact, I'll just have to keep teachin' it to you.
- Selridge, 100 push-ups. Hit the deck. - Me? I didn't say nothing.
Correct. We're doin' this to teach Jerome about discipline.
On your face, soldier!
You think you get my meaning now about discipline?
- Oh, yes, ho! - Then let's try it out.
I want another man to give me 100 push-ups. I want you to pick him.
Who will it be, boy?
Speak up, Jerome. Tell me the name of the man you think's most lacking in discipline.
Well, we just met on the train, Sergeant. I don't even know all their names yet.
I understand your reticence to speak. No one's gonna like hearin' his name called.
Why don't you just whisper it in my ear?
Wykowski? He's the biggest man in the company.
That took guts, Jerome, but if that's your wish, your wish will be obeyed.
Wykowski, 100 push-ups for me and your buddy here. Hit the deck.
Now who can we pick to join these men as a show of comradeship?
Whisper it to me, Jerome.
The entire platoon except yourself.
By God, that's a good choice. You won't have many friends, but I'll be one of them.
Tell 'em to hit the deck for ya.
- What, you want me to say it? - It was your idea.
- Platoon, hit the deck. - Shout it, boy!
- Platoon, hit the deck! - Tell 'em what we want!
- 100 push-ups! - Man asked for 150 push-ups!
You heard him, men. Now count off!
One, two, three, four...
...five, six, seven, eight...
...nine, ten, eleven, twelve...
...thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen...
...seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty...
Watch out! Let me through!
Ah! Heads up!
If this keeps up, we'll lose this war. They'll be speaking German in Chicago.
We could all go on sick call tomorrow.
You don't go on sick call with this guy unless a tank runs over you.
- Jesus, this thing's a slingshot. - Is this bunk taken?
Oh, no. I don't mind dyin', but I don't wanna get my nose blown off.
Hooray, hooray.
Oh, what could I do? I could be shot for disobeying orders.
You musta done somethin' to piss him off.
Nothing, I swear. He's nuts.
Maybe the humidity rusted his brain.
Yeah, that's a good choice, Jerome. I'd like to walk in my sleep with a bayonet.
I have a curvature of the spine. I can't sleep on this thing.
- The heat is getting hotter. - You girls from the big city can't take it?
I can take whatever you can take.
- Don't tell me they're shippin' us out! - That's chow time.
Chow time. Wash up, change and let's move.
Maybe there's a place around here where we could eat out.
It's not bad. It just needs salt and pepper, ketchup and mustard. That's all.
If they dropped this over Germany, the country'd come out with their hands up.
I saw this stuff in the Bronx Zoo once. Gorillas were throwing it at each other.
You can get something else. It's a government regulation.
Enlisted men must be served palatable food.
So why don't you ask for some matzo-ball soup, Epstein?
I hear the army makes great matzo-ball soup.
It's my right to speak up. I'm seeing the sergeant.
Don't start in with him, Arnold. He's crazy. This is probably his recipe.
- Hey. - How ya doin'?
He's here for his cup of blood.
Listen, you two guys...
...don't give the sergeant any crap cos when he don't like you he don't like us.
Any guy that screws up in this platoon is in deep shit with me, understand?
- Who made you lieutenant colonel? - I did. I promoted myself.
If I have to do more push-ups cos of you, Jerome, you're gonna be underneath me.
Well, now we know who the fruits are.
Hey, did you guys hear what happened over at Baker Company?
Some guy went nuts. Said he was goin' home, he didn't want no part of this army.
An officer tried to stop him and the kid belted him one.
The guy's sure to get five to ten years in Leavenworth.
I thought this was Leavenworth.
- How are my boys doin'? - First-rate, sarge.
- Surprisingly interesting food, sarge. - They don't give you enough.
Not hungry, Epstein?
I find enough nourishment in bread and water, Sergeant.
You'll need plenty of nourishment with ten backbreakin' weeks ahead of ya.
- Starting at 5am, we're goin' on a hike. - 5am?
You'll love it. Nothin' like seein' the sun come up over a Mississippi swamp.
You boys arrived here a day late and I got to make up that time.
It's a reasonable request to make, isn't it? Jerome?
Well, we sort of elected Wykowski our leader. I think that he oughta answer that.
- Is that right, Wykowski? - I don't question orders, I follow them.
Good answer. A chickenshit one, but it's a good answer.
How about you, Epstein? Are you up? 15-mile walk?
- No, Sergeant. - No?!
Epstein's not up to it, men. Why is that, Epstein?
We've been on a train for three days and three nights.
We haven't had one good night's sleep since we left Fort Dix.
I see. OK. Fair enough.
Epstein, you're excused from the hike.
- Thank you, Sergeant. - Get a good night's sleep...
...as soon as you've washed and scrubbed every john, urinal and basin in the latrine.
If it doesn't sparkle when we get back...
...Wykowski and Selridge are gonna do 200 push-ups.
That'll put you in good with the boys, Epstein.
I'll see the rest of you men at 4.30am.
Mm!
Enjoy your meal now, you hear?
"Enjoy your meal now, you hear?"
That's good. Hominy pigs and black-pea eyeballs.
I've got to make you men strong...
...because tonight we're going to march the entire platoon off of a 3,000ft cliff.
Dying makes a man out of you.
I died in the war. They had me cremated. The ashes were buried here in my head.
- You think it's funny, Jerome? - No, I think you're funny, Wykowski.
You forgot to eat the aluminum tray.
Come on, sit down.
Get off!
I got three enemies now, Jerome. The Japs, the Germans and you!
I wasn't in on that Pearl Harbor thing.
Ha-ha.
Hold it. You still got two spoonfuls left there, soldier.
I've had enough, Corporal.
You take what you want, but you eat what you take. We don't waste food here. Eat it.
I believe the corporal said no one leaves here till the trays are empty.
I want all trays extended for inspection. Move it.
OK.
- Somethin' wrong with your meal? - Yes. It's the first food I was afraid of.
You'll like it a month from now cos that's how long you'll sit here. Back to your seat.
Don't approve of our cuisine, Jerome?
It's not that, Sergeant. It's a religious objection.
This is the week that my people fast for two days.
This is July, Jerome. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are in September.
I have an all-religious calendar in my barracks room. Don't try that shit on me.
It's a different holiday.
- It's called El Malagueña. - El Malagueña?
It's for Spanish Jews.
Carney, bring your food.
Come on.
- Put half your food onto Jerome's tray. - Yes, Sergeant.
Eat in good health, Jerome, and happy El Malagueña to you.
Come on.
What's your story, Epstein? Don't tell me. Today is La Cucaracha.
I have a digestive disorder. It's commonly known as a nervous stomach.
I have a letter from my internist at Mount Sinai Hospital on Fifth Avenue.
You see, the trouble is you're not on Fifth Avenue now. You're in Biloxi, Mississippi.
Corporal, make sure that Private Epstein finishes everything on his tray...
-... including that letter. Hm? - Yes, Sergeant.
Come on, move your ass. Come on.
- Move it! Come on, move it up! - Goddamn bugs!
Why don't they bite each other? They have more blood than us.
Jesus Christ, what was that?
Sergeant Toomey giggling.
Oh, God, you are pitiful! You're embarrassing me...
...in front of the lizards and the buzzards.
Bunch of lard-asses I got here.
What would you do if the Japanese army was behind ya?
Surrender and get some sleep.
Shut your ass, Jerome. I ain't doin' no push-ups in a swamp!
Yeah, lucky Epstein, back in a nice, dry latrine listening to Jack Benny.
- Whoo! - Come on, move it out.
Oh, please, God, please let there be a subway near here.
Come on.
- Get your elbow outta my ass, asshole. - Shit.
- Watch your damn gun. - Hey, watch it.
Did I say stop? Who stopped this march?
Goddammit.
- Did you hear me call halt, Pinelli? - No, sarge.
- But that looks like pretty deep water. - No shit!
What does that mean? Selridge?
Well, it means that... that looks like pretty deep water.
Selridge, you would need three promotions to get to be an asshole.
Wykowski, how we gonna get to the other side of that obstacle?
Well, either someone goes in and sees how deep it is...
...or we keep lookin' for another place to cross.
That's smart. You must have been in the First World War.
All right. We need a volunteer to see just how deep that water is.
Jerome?
Yes, Sergeant?
- Pick a volunteer. - Oh! No.
Why me?
Because you said "Let's surrender so I can get some sleep."
I hear everything, everyone, Jerome. Pick a volunteer.
- All right, me. I'll do it. - You don't get off that easy, boy.
Pick a volunteer!
How about Epstein?
I guess you're gonna have to whisper it to me again.
Wykowski.
You must like him. You pick him for every shit detail, don't you?
You heard him, Wykowski. Into the water.
Those funny New York remarks are making you real popular, Jerome.
Whoa!
Guess we have to find another way round. Selridge, Carney, pull Wykowski out.
It was then I decided I had to get out of the army.
I thought of shooting off a body part I might not need, but I couldn't find any.
Right face.
Platoon, left face. Turn with the rest of "em.
- The guy hit me. - Well, turn with the rest of "em.
Pick it up.
Right face.
Oh, come on. Quickly.
Pick up the gun! Do as you're told. Turn with the rest of 'em.
Left shoulder arms! Right shoulder arms! Left shoulder arms! Right shoulder arms!
Why don't you make up your mind?
Present arms!
It will be tough sledding again for these Yanks.
But the men who smashed into Salerno from the sea...
...will take their next objective, too, whatever it may be...
...from Naples to Berlin.
Anzio, Bataan, St-Lô, Iwo Jima:
places they had never heard of, known, nor cared about.
They went there and they died there.
And now they are home, wrapped in their country's flag...
...and cloaked in their eternal greatness.
Names. Yes, Polish and Irish and Jewish and English names hallow this ground.
Names that make up the great America they died for.
A terrible cost, but less, tragically less, than what we must pay for final victory.
Time magazine estimates casualty rates
No shit! So outta the group sitting here, how much is that?
Of the six of us here about 4.3 of us would get it.
Oh, wow. Only 2.7 of us would live.
1.7, jerko.
Listen, if you knew that you were one of the guys who wasn't coming back...
...if you knew that right now, what would you do with the last few days of your life?
It could be anything, any fantasy. I give everybody five seconds to think about it.
I've thought of it. I'd be one of the 1.7 comin' back!
- This is morbid. - I like it. Let's play for money.
- For money? - Five bucks a man.
- The guy with the best fantasy wins. - That's nuts.
OK. All right. I'm in.
- OK. We need a judge. - I'll be the judge.
- Why you? - Because I thought of the game.
When it's my turn somebody else judges me. Ante up, everybody.
- Come on, Arnold. Five bucks. - I don't sell my fantasies.
Don't be like that, Arnold.
OK. Carney.
You're first. You're gonna be dead. Killed in action.
What do you wanna do with the last few days of your life?
- How much time do I have to do it in? - A week.
- I need ten days. - It's my game. You only get a week.
What are you gonna do with it, Danny?
OK.
I'd sing at Radio City Music Hall.
Five shows a day, my own spot.
In the audience are 5,000 screamin', gorgeous girls...
...and every one of 'em wants me.
And there's one man, the president of Decca Records...
...and he wants to give me a big contract. I have to make a choice.
- Take the record contract. I would. - Yeah, right, I take the record contract.
Hah! Moron!
He could've humped 5,000 girls and now he's got a contract that ain't worth shit!
Wrong, because now I'm a big star and everyone knows stars get all the girls.
Oh, yeah? How? You're dead!
Girls don't go out with dead record stars!
Bullshit, it's my fantasy! I can do whatever I want with it.
- What's my score, Gene? - You started off with an A minus...
-... but you ended up with a B. - B! Better than I ever did in school.
- Selridge is next. - OK, OK, here we go.
I make it with seven of the richest women in the world...
...and I'm so hot, each one of 'em gives me a million bucks.
So at the end of the week I got seven million bucks. Pretty good, huh?
- If you're dead, what d'you do with $7m? - I told you. That's why I need ten days.
I need a weekend to spend the money.
Give up, suckers. I got you all beat!
Moronic. It's beyond moronic. It's sub-moronic.
Yeah. Jerome, break their hearts and tell 'em my score.
It lacks poetry. I give Selridge a B minus.
B minus! You give me a B minus?
This creep becomes a dead record star and he gets a B. I want my money back!
Touch that money and you're dead!
I was kiddin'. You think I was serious? I was kiddin'. Who's next?
- Hennesey. - Me?
- No, I'm not ready yet. - It's your turn.
- I'm not very good at things like this. - Come on. Just say it.
- I can't think of anything. - He can't think, so he's out, tough shit.
- Give him an F. Who's next? - No, no, OK, OK.
- I'd spend it with my family. - Oh! Is this guy serious?
- Asshole. - Spend it with my family!
Come on. It's my last week. I can do whatever I want, and I'd...
- Yeah, I'd like it to be with my family. - OK, what're you givin' for that crap?
Well, it's not that interesting, but at least it's honest.
- B+. - OK! That's it!
This game is fixed. I'm callin' the military police.
I get a B minus for screwin' seven millionairesses?
And he gets a B+ for goin' home to his mother?!
I wanna change my answer. I wanna visit the sick.
Will you knock it off, Selridge? You had your turn.
See you in the morning.
As you were. Lights out in five minutes, boys.
Better get your rest.
You never know what surprise is comin' up tomorrow.
- OK. Wykowski, you're next. - OK.
I always wanted to make it with a world-famous woman.
Somebody that nobody could have in this country but me, and be the only American.
Have you someone in mind?
Yeah, I got someone in mind.
- I think we're headin' for an A+. - Who's the woman, Wykowski?
The Queen of England. Boom!
- The Queen of England! Ugh! - Like makin' it with your grandmother!
- For a whole week? - Maybe we'd stop for tea and crumpets.
Apes and gorillas. I'm living with apes and gorillas.
- What's his score? Give him his score. - Give the Earl of Meatloaf his score.
This is a tough one. I find it completely unredeeming in every way...
...morally, ethically and sexually.
But it's got style.
- A minus. - A minus? You're sick, Jerome.
To the guy who humps the mother of the British Empire?
- So I'm winning, right? - Not yet. Two more to go.
Epstein's next. I wanna hear what his last week on earth would be like.
Probably wants to take an English exam at City College.
Hurry up. They're blowin' retreat.
Come on, Arnold. It's your last week on earth. What's your secret desire?
I don't want to say it. If I say it, it might not come true.
I know, he wants to pass gas. He wants to bend over and blow up the whole world.
Will you give him a chance, please? He has one.
What is it, Arnold? What's the last thing you wanna do on this earth?
I would like to make Sergeant Merwin J Toomey...
...do 200 push-ups in front of this platoon.
That's good.
- I hate to admit it, but it's good. - It's all right. 500 would've been better.
- I think it's terrific. A+. - Oooh!
- A+! You're crazy. Now you can't win. - I can still tie him.
All right, but if it's a tie, all bets are off. Nobody wins.
Fair enough. Somebody else has to judge me. Wykowski, pick a judge.
- OK, sure. I pick Selridge. - I love it.
No matter what crap he says, he gets an A+. You money is safe, boys.
Retreat means lights out, goddammit!
I've never had men do push-ups in bed before.
I could start tonight!
- Jerome, let's hear yours. - All right.
OK.
I always wanted to get mine wiping out an entire battalion of Japanese marines.
Forget the medals. What do you do on your last week on earth?
I would lose my virginity...
...win the Pulitzer prize for literature...
...and fall in love with the perfect girl.
Why not score a winning touchdown for Notre Dame, too?
Give him his score so's we can take our money back.
- I give him a C minus. - What?!
Hey, I'm not gonna let him beat me with that pissy story. I had somethin' hot.
I'm not giving A+ for falling in love. Why doesn't he visit Hennesey's family?
Jesus, you're a moron!
Go look in the latrine and see if you dropped your brain.
Come on, Arnold, you win. It's your money.
It's always the Jews who end up with the money. Right, Roy?
- Don't know. Never met one before now. - They're easy to spot. There's one.
There's another one.
They slide the bacon under their toast, so no one sees 'em eat it. Right, Jerome?
I'm not going to take that Jew crap from you any more, Wykowski.
I know you can probably beat the hell out of me, but I'm not...
- Sure. You'll take any shit from me. - Hey, hey, sh.
- Come on, let's see how tough you are. - Sh! Sh!
Wykowski, what difference does it make what religion he is?
Epstein's the one who's too good to take orders.
If he doesn't shape up, I'll bust his face whether he's got a Jew nose or not!
Ten hut!
- What the hell's goin' on here? - Nothing, Sergeant.
What do you mean "nothing", Hennesey?
I heard threats, challenges, invitation of bustin' noses of minority races.
Hm.
- You still tellin' me nothing's goin' on? - Yes, sir.
I see.
Pinelli...
...Sweeney...
...Davis, Polaski...
...Woolridge, hit the floor.
Give me 100 push-ups. If I can't discipline these boys, maybe the rest of you can!
- Count off! - One, two, three, four...
...five, six, seven, eight...
...nine, ten...
Piece of shit!
Wykowski!
Goddammit!
I really hated myself because I didn't stand up for Epstein, a fellowJew.
Maybe it was because I was afraid of Wykowski...
...or maybe it was because Arnold sometimes sort of asked for it.
But since the guys didn't pick on me much...
...I figured I'd stay neutral like Switzerland.
Ready. Aim.
Fire!
Cease fire! Cease fire!
- How'd I do, Sergeant? - I can't tell. Your bullets aren't down.
This is pointless. I'll take prisoners, but I won't shoot human beings.
Shut up, Arnold. They'll paste the targets on our faces.
Helluva score, Wykowski. Where'd you learn to shoot?
- Back home. - Probably killed his whole family.
- What was that, Jerome? - I was just admiring his skill.
Jesus.
- In some kind of trouble there, Jerome? - It's not me, Sergeant. It's the gun.
Epstein, reassemble Jerome's weapon.
Jesus Christ!
Deep shit, Epstein.
How deep in the shit would you say he was in, Jerome?
About up to here.
Arnold Epstein always took his punishment without complaint.
More and more I wanted to be his friend because he never seemed to need one.
Could I have less shells in my eggs this morning?
Thank you.
Whoo-hoo!
48-hour pass. I'm gonna eat spaghetti with clam sauce for two days.
In Mississippi they make spaghetti with cotton.
We are set, guys. I got the address of a place.
Yeah, what kind of place?
You wouldn't like it, Hennesey. They don't have families there.
- Son of a bitch! - What's wrong?
Hey! Somebody broke into my footlocker last night. They emptied my wallet.
They took my pay and every cent I had in the world - 62 bucks.
Dirty bastard!
Well, how do know someone stole it? Maybe you just lost it.
Cos I counted it before I hit the sack. I was saving it for the big weekend.
Don't think I'm not wise to who did it. It was Epstein. He wants to get back at me.
Maybe he's sore at you, but he's not the kind that steals money.
Hey.
Who asked you, Hennesey, huh? What are you?
What are you? One of those Irish Jews?
Huh? All I did was call him a couple of names. Where I'm from we're all Polacks.
Dagos, niggers, sheenies - that stuff doesn't mean crap to me.
You're a Mick. What do I care?
Yeah, half-Mick...
...half-nigger.
- Whoa. You serious? - Yeah.
My father's Irish.
My mother's Coloured.
- You can't be. They wouldn't let you in. - I never told anybody.
Yeah, but I guessed it. See, it was something I couldn't put my finger on...
-... but I knew something was wrong. - Yeah. I'm Black-Irish.
That's as Coloured as I am, but now we know how you think, don't we, 'Kowski?
Come here.
Hey! I'm layin' for you, Hennesey, OK?
After I get the bastard who stole my money, I'll settle with you!
Ten hut!
On the double! Toomey's here.
In the past 21 days you boys have made some fine progress.
You're not fighting soldiers yet...
...but I'd match you up against some Nazi cocktail waitress any time.
That's why I recommended this platoon receive a 48-hour pass.
But first we have to clear up the mystery...
...of Wykowski's missing $62.
As I said - I hear, smell and know everything that goes on in my barracks.
I am askin' the guilty party to place $62 on this here footlocker...
...within the next 30 seconds. I offer no lenience, no forgiveness...
...no abstention from punishment. What I do offer is honour.
I'm countin' down to 30.
It is at this time that heroes are made.
One...
...two...
...three...
...four...
...five...
...six...
There's $62, if anyone cares to count it.
I don't think that'll be necessary, Private Epstein.
Wykowski, pick up your money.
Listen, don't count it, boy.
Epstein.
Do you have anything to say?
No, Sergeant.
May I ask why you decided to return the money?
I chose to.
You chose to?
Knowing full well that swift and just punishment may be inflicted upon you...
...when and if this is reported to the commanding officer.
I know it only too well.
Last night at 0100 hours I wandered through this barracks.
I saw carelessness, complacency.
Wykowski's wallet lying in an open footlocker, inviting...
...temptation and weakness.
I took your $62, Wykowski, returned the empty wallet to its place.
I did it to teach you a lesson, instead...
...I got submarined.
Epstein, are you such a goddamn ignorant fool...
...to take the blame for something you were innocent of?
The army has its logic. I have my own.
Epstein, I'd like a word with you in private.
The rest of you are on 48-hours' leave. Fall out!
Why? Just tell me why.
It's my job.
You listen to me, you flyspeck on a mound of horseshit.
You're takin' me on, aren't ya?
I have a nutcracker that crunches the testicles of men that take me on.
How do you think you can beat me?
I'm not trying to. I just don't think it's necessary to dehumanise a man...
...in order to get him to perform.
You can get better results raising our spirits than lowering our dignity.
This isn't Sunday school. This isn't pass or fail.
This is death shit we're talkin' about.
Why in hell did you put back money you knew you didn't take?
Because I knew you did. I saw you take it.
Inventing a crime that didn't exist to enforce your theories of discipline...
...is Neanderthal in its conception.
You may be the first man to reach Berlin cos I'm sending you in before everyone.
Men do not face enemy guns because they've been treated with kindness.
I don't want them human. I want them obedient!
I'm tryin' to save those boys' lives, you crawlin' bookworm.
Stand in my way...
...I'll pulverise ya into chicken droppings!
You know, I don't get you, Epstein.
- Why do a dumb-ass thing like that? - What's the difference?
I knew he took the money and I knew I'd end up cleaning latrines.
Thought I'd save everybody some time.
Yeah, well, uh...
...anyway, I owe you one.
You stuck your neck out for us, and I like to pay back my debts.
Hey, listen, it's not gonna come out again, so take your chance while you got it.
Let's not be hypocritical.
I did what I did for me, not for you.
You know what? I'm not gonna make any more Jew cracks at you, Epstein...
...cos you are a shit-heel no matter what you are!
Let's go, Roy.
Why is it that we come from the same background but I can't understand you?
You're a witness.
You're always standing around watching what's happening.
You're scribbling in your book what other people do.
You have to get in the middle of it.
You have to take sides.
Make a contribution to the fight.
- What fight? - Any fight.
The one you believe in.
Until you do, you'll never be a writer, Eugene.
Hey, hubba, hubba. Look at that! Women!
Hey, honey, you got 34 friends?
Hey, 'Kowski, maybe the Queen of England's in town!
Hey, don't blow smoke on me. I'll stink from tobacco.
Stop worryin'. Nothin' can penetrate that Aqua velva.
Hey, Carney, are you goin'... to Selridge's place?
Yeah, sure, why not? What about you?
Maybe. Thought I'd look around first, see if I can meet a nice girl.
No chance. There's 14,000 Gls on leave in Biloxi...
...and only 12 Catholic girls, all handcuffed to nuns.
Why don't you come with us?
This isn't your first time, is it?
I mean, you've done it before, right?
Yeah, sure. Are you kidding? Five or six times.
Well, if you did it before...
...why are you doing it again?
What do you mean? You're kidding me, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm kiddin'. I'm kiddin'.
Couldn't you tell?
Looks like a bad day to fall in love.
Let's get some ice cream before we go to the place.
All right.
- They're not bad. - If you wait your turn, you'll be too old.
- You comin'? - Yeah, we're comin'. Right?
Hey, you bet. Let me at 'em!
- This is it. Peachtree Street. - Kind of a crummy neighbourhood.
She ain't sellin' stocks and bonds. I don't believe this guy.
Gene, can you lend me ten bucks in case I wanna go twice?
Twi... You mean she charges every time...
Yeah, she has a cash register on her bed.
- Will you come on? - How does she know you had one?
Your eyes spin around and when they stop on two pineapples, you had one!
21. This is it.
- Looks like a place that sells radio parts. - What did we bring this guy for?
- Let's toss for who goes first. - I go first.
Yeah, I meant the rest of us will toss. Naturally you go first.
A half an hour he's been in there!
If he doesn't hurry up, I'm gonna pass my peak.
Hey, what if she's ugly? I mean, really ugly?
Close your eyes and think of a cheerleader.
I don't wanna close my eyes. That's the same as doing it to yourself.
Not if you're feelin' someone underneath you, or on top of you.
On top of me? Who would be on top of me?
She would. She could be anywhere.
Under a table, on a chair or an ironing board.
On an ironing board?
What kind of a girl is this? I thought we were going to a regular place.
Don't you know anything?
Maybe not in actual experience, but I have all the information I need.
You don't know shit, Jerome. Do you know how many positions there are?
- American or worldwide? - This guy is a riot!
For five bucks, how many positions are there?
- Lemme think. - You want me to tell you?
- No. - There are 17 acceptable positions.
Acceptable? What is there, an Olympic committee that votes on positions?
I can't believe this guy is from New York.
Besides, you're wrong. There's 52 positions.
52?! You're crazy! Where did you ever get that from?
I saw a dirty deck of cards once.
This jerk is worse than Epstein.
- You owe me five bucks. - Hey, listen, twerp...
...you're lucky if you do one position.
I'm not doing anything on an ironing board.
Why not? You'll get your shirt pressed for free.
Well? Tell us. Tell us!
She wants to see me again after the war.
See you fellas at the USO.
OK, whose turn is it?
You go ahead. I just had lunch. I don't wanna get cramps.
Yeah.
I'll try and leave a little somethin' for you guys.
Hey, how you doin'?
If you're nervous about this, we don't have to do this. There's that dance at the USO.
Oh, no, I wanna do it. I don't mean I wanna do it. I think I should do it.
I mean, eventually I have to do it, right?
Well, yeah, eventually.
Look, why don't we go to the dance? We can always come back later.
Yeah. We could always come back later.
- Don't tell the guys I didn't do it. - They'll know. They'll see it on your face.
No, they won't. I'm a good actor. I can act like I did it.
Come on, let's just go.
My cap. Shit! I left my cap upstairs.
Well, go get it.
You're through already? That was fast.
I never even made it to the bed. I knew I hit my peak too soon.
You the only one left, honey?
What? Oh, yeah, I guess I am.
Well, let's get goin', sugar. I got some navy boys comin' at two.
very pleased to meet you.
Hey, come on, kid. I ain't got all day.
- It's chilly in here, isn't it? - Yeah
About 96 degrees!
Keep your shorts on if you want, but I've a rule against wearin' army shoes to bed.
Oh.
I was just about to take them off.
I always take them off.
You don't mind a little perfume, do ya, honey?
There was a boy this mornin' with a gallon of Aqua velva. Nearly drove me crazy.
Oh, that's OK. You could even spray some on me.
Gee, that smells good.
If you'd like a bottle for your girlfriend, I sell 'em $5 apiece.
- You sell perfume, too? - I sell hard-to-get items.
Silk stockings, black panties.
- You interested? - Do you carry men's clothing?
Oh, that's cute. You're cute, honey.
Is this your first time?
My first time?
Are you kidding? That's funny.
No.
It's my second time.
First time they were closed.
You don't smoke cigarettes either, do ya?
- How d'you know that? - Looked like your face was on fire.
You wanna look older, why don't you try a moustache?
- What's your name? - Rowena. What's yours?
- It's Eug... - Eug?
It's a huge name.
It's Jack Bobby Lou Mulgreevy.
- Where you from, Bobby Lou? - Texarkana.
- Is that right? - Yes, ma'am.
Is that Texas or Arkansas?
- Arkansas, I think. - You think?
Well, we left there when I was two and moved to Georgia.
Really? You a Cracker?
- What's a Cracker? - Someone from Georgia.
Oh, yeah, I'm a Cracker.
Whole family's crackers.
- Were you born in Biloxi? - No. Gulfport.
I still live there with my husband.
Your husband! You're married?
- God, he'll kill me if he finds me here. - No, he won't.
- Does he know that you're a... - Why, sure he does. That's how we met.
He's in the Coast Guard.
He was one of my best customers. He still is.
You mean you charge your own husband?
I mean he's my best lover.
You gonna do it from there, cowboy, cos I'll have to make some adjustments.
- I was just waiting for you to get ready. - I'm always ready, sugar.
You wanna pull down the window shade?
Sure.
You scared, honey, first time an' all?
- A little, I guess. - Don't fret about it.
When it's a boy's first time it makes it feel like it's my first time.
D'you like the left side or the right?
If we do it right, hon, we're gonna use both sides.
You come to Mama now.
Would it be OK if we didn't use the word "Mama"?
It makes me think of my mother and that sort of kills it, you know?
Sure.
That's a boy.
There, now.
Come on.
OK, honey, do your stuff.
What stuff is that?
Whatever you like to do. Didn't anyone ever teach you anything?
Well, my brother showed me a few things. You look a lot different from my brother.
Oh, you're sweet.
I went to high school with a boy like you.
Had the biggest damn crush on him.
Listen, don't be offended...
...but this doesn't have to be the greatest experience of my life.
I really just wanted to get it over with.
Well, you just let Rowena take care of everything, honey.
All you gotta do is put your arms around me. Come on.
That's it.
There, now, you're doin' fine.
- You got your knee on my stomach. - I'm sorry.
Let's get those shorts off.
That's better. Now, isn't that better?
Oh. Oh, God!
Oh!
Oh, God!
Relax, hon. Nothin' to it, sugar.
You're not breathin'. Breathe!
My nose is running.
No, I'm OK.
Don't stop, baby, you're gettin' there.
Oh.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, my God!
Oh. Oh...
You did it, babe!
I did it. I did it.
- Not too close, please. - Oh, forgive me.
- You girls always wear white gloves? - It's proper attire for a lady at a dance.
In the old days a man would hold a handkerchief in his hand...
...so as not to touch the bare back of his partner.
No kiddin'? Next time I'll come here in a tank.
You can't get near these girls unless you're a priest.
Aw, who wants to?
- Nothin' better than what we had. Right? - Right, yeah.
That Rowena's a real roller coaster, ain't she?
Hey, there.
- Hey. Hi, guys, what's cookin'? - How'd it go?
How'd it go? It was fine as wine. Sorta chatty, know what I mean?
Chatty? First time in the sack with a pro was chatty?
Real smooth. Second time was swing, swing, swing.
- Second time? You paid twice? - No, it was a freebie. On the house.
- Why would she give you a free one? - Maybe I was her one millionth customer.
Think I'll look around.
Bullshit artist.
Let's get outta here.
Would you care to dance?
- What? - I said would you care to dance?
Oh. I don't dance very well.
- I bet you do. - No, I swear. I never dance.
- Then why did you come to a dance? - It's a good question.
I like to listen to music...
...and I was hoping that I'd meet somebody I could talk to. I like to talk.
Well, we could talk while we dance.
OK. Sure.
Watch your toes.
Well, you're doin' fine.
- Are you countin'? - A little.
I can see your lips movin'.
My lips don't move, my feet don't move.
- Is that perfume you're wearin'? - Perfume?
It's ladies' perfume.
I smelt it before. Two of the other soldiers had it on.
Oh, yeah. It's... it's for my mother.
The lady on the counter sprayed it on me.
Do you think it's too strong?
Well, yours is a little different. Yours has a little Aqua velva in it.
Well, that's me underneath.
- What's your name? - Eugene Morris Jerome.
If you want the short version, it's Eugene.
- What's your name? - Daisy. Daisy Hannigan.
Dai... No kiddin'? That's a beautiful name.
Daisy is my favourite character in literature.
- Daisy Miller or Daisy Buchanan? - Buchanan.
The Great Gatsby is one of my all-time favourite books.
- I've never read Daisy Miller. Is it good? - Oh, it's wonderful.
You look surprised. We do read in the South, you know.
I know.
- You have a funny look on your face. - I do?
Uh-huh.
It's like a birthday look.
- Today isn't your birthday, is it? - No.
Something special happened to you today, am I right?
Yeah.
- Can you tell me about it? - I don't think so.
- I might put it in my memoirs, though. - Oh.
- Do you keep a journal every day? - Yes. Since I was 14.
I write down everything that happens to me.
- Do you like writin'? - Yeah. It's what I hope to be one day.
Will you write about dancin' with me tonight?
Yeah, probably.
Great. Then if you ever become a famous writer, I'll be immortalised!
The sisters are lookin' at me.
We're not allowed to spend too much time with one boy.
The song isn't over yet. I'm entitled to one song, right?
Can I... You want me to get you a Coke or something?
It's way on the other side of the room.
The song would be over when you got back.
Yeah. Let the next guy get you a Coke.
- Do you live in Biloxi? - No. We go to school in Gulfport.
Gulfport, really? No kidding? I know a girl from Gulfport.
Really? Who is she? Maybe I know her.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
She's in the clothing business.
Well, I really have to go.
It was very nice meetin' you, Eugene.
Are you gonna be back here next weekend?
No, we only come in once a month.
Maybe I could come out to Gulfport.
Well, we're really not allowed to make dates.
Well, it wouldn't be a date if I was just to bump into you, would it?
Well, it would be if I went to confession.
Especially if I told you I went to St Mary's on Piermont Street.
- Goodbye, Eugene. - Goodbye, Daisy.
Eugene, you didn't say one wrong thing in that whole conversation.
Ever have one of those perfect days?
I can't believe what this creep's been writin' about us.
Listen to this.
"No matter how lunatic I think Sergeant Toomey is...
...each day he goes a little further."
"Yesterday he made Epstein unscrew the top of this head and take his brains out."
I fooled him. I only took out my mucous membranes.
Hubba, hubba!
What a weekend. What did you guys do?
- Hennesey, listen. You're in this, too. - Yeah, what is it?
"The Secret and Private Memoirs of Eugene M Jerome."
He let you read that?
No. We'll ask him if it's all right when we get through.
When we get through!
You have no right. It's like opening his mail.
Bullshit! It's private things about all of us. It's public domain like in the newspapers.
Newspapers are published. Unpublished memoirs are the writer's sole property.
You know, I thought all Jews were doctors. I didn't know they were lawyers, too.
- I'm not a Jew any more, Wykowski. - What do you mean?
I converted to Catholicism yesterday.
In six weeks I hope to become a priest.
And my first act of service to the Holy Father is to have you excommunicated...
...so get off my ass.
That's good. That's funny. He got you that time, 'Kowski.
Shut up!
I thought you were Eugene's friend, Epstein.
He left his locker open. Why'd he leave something so private in an open locker?
It has no logic to it. I have no interest in illogical things.
Well, you tell Gene I had nothin' to do with this, you hear?
Go on, keep readin'.
"One night a sudden scream from Selridge calling out the name Louise."
"Is Louise his girlfriend or his mother?"
- He's full of crap! - Yeah, well, who's Louise?
My mother. But he's full of it. I never called my mother Louise.
Poor baby wants his mother.
Hey, it's him.
Two in one day. Two in one day. Can you believe it?
- Two what? - Two fantasies came true.
- I lost my virginity and I fell in love. - With Rowena?
I can't wait for her to meet your parents.
Her name is Daisy. Daisy Hannigan.
Every time I say it I get tiny little heart attacks.
Not enough to kill ya. Just enough to keep you from walking straight.
Hey.
- Anybody seen my notebook? - What notebook is that?
The one I'm always writing in.
Arnold, have you seen it?
Why did you leave your locker open?
Because I lost the key down the shower drain.
There was nothing valuable in there except my notebook.
I thought I could trust the guys here.
Hey, that's funny, Jerome, cos we thought we could trust you, too.
What does that mean?
"One night a scream from Selridge...
- Hey! Gimme that! -... calling out Louise!"
- "Is Louise his girlfriend or mother?" - You have no right!
Yeah? And you got no business writing down my dreams.
- Give it back. Nobody is interested. - Not even in what he thinks about you?
- Give it to me! - You want an arm broken, it's up to you.
- 'Kowski, please don't read that. - If it gets boring, I'll stop.
"I can't make Don Carney out yet. Basically he's OK and I like him."
"But there's something about him you can't count on...
...and if I was ever in real trouble Don Carney's the last one I'd turn to."
Well... let's just hope you don't have to count on me.
It doesn't mean anything.
- I get a thought and I write it down. - Let him go, Selridge.
Wanna take his place? I don't care whose arm I break.
OK, you ready for the best part? Here's the best part.
"Wykowski is pure animal."
"He masturbates in bed four or five times a night."
"He has no shame about it and his capacities are enormous."
"sometimes when he has a discharge he announces it to the room:
"Number five torpedo fired, loading number six."'
Hey, Epstein, can I sue him for defamation of...
- What is it? - Character?
Only if his intent is to prove malice, and in your case it's not possible.
- Read more. - Where was I?
You just fired number five.
"Despite Wykowski's lack of culture, sensitivity...
...or the pursuit of anything minutely intellectual...
...his greatest strength is his earnest belief that he belongs on the battlefield."
"He is clearly the best soldier in the pl...
...in the platoon, dependable under pressure."
"It wouldn't surprise me if Wykowski came out of the war with the Medal of Honor."
You really mean that, Jerome?
I told you, I don't mean any of it.
Right now I would describe you in three words: a yellow bastard!
Yeah, well, they don't give the Medal of Honor to yellow bastards. Let him go, Sel.
What do you write this down for? You'll make a lotta guys unhappy.
What I write in my book is my business. Give it to me.
Don't I get to hear my life story?
Arnold, I beg you!
Don't read that!
They're my private thoughts!
- If you take them, you steal from me. - I gather it's unflattering.
Don't you know me by now, Gene? I can't be unflattered. I'm past it.
However, if you don't want me to read it, I won't read it.
But I don't think we'll be able to be truly honest with each other from now on.
Put it back when you're through.
Well, don't we get to hear it?
"Arnold Epstein's constant pursuit of truth, logic and reason fascinates me...
...in the same proportion as his obstinacy and unnecessary heroics...
...drive me to distraction."
"But I love him for it, in the same manner that I love Joe DiMaggio...
...for making the gesture of catching a long fly ball to centre."
"seemed like the last miracle performed by God in modern times."
"But often I hold back showing my love and affection for Arnold...
...because I think he might misinterpret it."
"It just happens to be my instinctive feeling that Arnold...
...is...
...homosexual...
...and it bothers me that it bothers me."
Do you see why I find life so interesting?
Because here is a man who in three weeks has come to the brilliant conclusion...
...that a cretin like Wykowski is going to win the Medal of Honor...
...and that his most esteemed and dearest friend is a fairy.
Lights out!
It is my opinion that no one here gets a wink of sleep tonight. Good night, fellas.
The weekends I spent with Daisy made the weeks in the army even more unbearable.
I knew this romance wouldn't survive the war...
...or the differences in our backgrounds or our futures...
...but I didn't let Daisy know I felt that way.
I wanted every hour we spent together to be perfect, and it was...
...because I think she knew it, too.
Who the hell turned this light out?
- Oh, Christ! - Who's there?
Goddammit, Lindstrom!
Why didn't you tell the army what you were, save the trouble of a court martial?
The other soldier with Lindstrom...
...flew out that window with the dexterity of a paratrooper.
He was seen but not identified entering our latrine window a few minutes later.
Unlike the missing $62, this time it wasn't me.
So... who the hell was it?
Private Lindstrom, a nervous young man...
...will surely crack under the strain of interrogation.
Therefore, if the guilty party in this room wishes to admit his indiscretion...
...he will not only lessen his sentence in Leavenworth Prison...
...but save this company what I promise will be pain and humiliation...
...beyond the endurance of man.
I take it honour and integrity are traits not to be found anywhere in this company.
- Jerome? - Yes, Sergeant.
What would you do in my place?
I'm not in your place, Sergeant.
I know you write down everything you see in that book of yours.
Is there anything happened tonight that might be of interest to me?
I was asleep, Sergeant.
If you weren't, you wouldn't tell me anyway, would you?
No, I don't think I would.
Got me another Epstein on my hands, don't I?
OK, men, all base privileges are cancelled.
All weekend passes, likewise, cancelled.
The moral of this story is when you get real horny...
...do unto yourself what you would otherwise do unto others.
Dismissed.
- What we gonna do about this? - Don't say it.
Hey, I don't have to say it.
We all know who he's talkin' about. You even wrote it in your book.
Yeah. I also wrote down that you're an animal.
If I'm right, then you should be in the cavalry.
- Yeah? - Hey, this is none of our business.
Let's just let the army take care of this.
I'm sorry, Arnold. I swear to God I'm sorry I ever wrote it.
Actually, I'm enjoying it. Sounds like an Agatha Christie story:
Sodomy on the Orient Express.
Hey, Epstein, let's see if you'll be laughin' at Leavenworth.
And he calls me a cretin.
I don't see the big deal. A guy should be able to do what he wants...
...just as long as he doesn't do it to me.
That's a mistake, Gene.
Once you start compromising your thoughts you're a candidate for mediocrity.
There's nothing we can do about it tonight. Let's hit the sack.
I learnt a very important lesson that night: people believe whatever they read.
Something magical happens once it's put down on paper.
They figure no one would go to the trouble of writing it down if it wasn't the truth.
Responsibility was my new watchword.
Hey, MPs.
That Lindstrom guy must've talked.
Jesus, you mean they'll pull the guy out in front of everyone?
When the following soldier's name is called...
...he's requested to accompany the military police back to headquarters.
Hennesey, James J.
Wha... What's it about?
That's a matter for you to discuss with the authorities.
Come on, son.
Hennesey was the only guy in the platoon who stood up for both Epstein and me.
That fact didn't even occur to me until I saw him being driven off to prison.
Boy, it's hot.
Hey, come on. Let's go get a beer.
Arnold?
Don't you wanna go?
Why do you think I'm a homosexual?
I don't know.
Maybe it's because you never once talked about a girl.
I never talked about dogs, either. Does that make me a cocker spaniel?
I know. I'll never do it again.
Epstein?
Is it Epstein?
Or "Epsteen"?
- "Epsteen". - "Epsteen"?
I wonder if I may have a word with you in private, please?
Jesus. He's drunk as hell.
Did you hear what I said... Epstein?
Your insignificant presence is requested in my chambers.
- You OK, sarge? - Get outta here, Jerome...
...before I start hatin' you again.
If I kill the both of you, they can still only hang me once.
Let's go, Epstein.
We've got some bills to pay up, you and I.
You and me.
Move your ass, sonny!
- You don't wanna do this, sarge. - But I do. I really, really do.
- It's all right, Gene. - No, it isn't.
Unless you wanna write in your memoirs that you're dead...
...I'd move out if I were you, Gene, buddy.
Epstein, let's go, goddammit.
Don't do it, Arnold. He won't do anything as long as I'm a witness.
OK. Fine with me.
Epstein, go clean the latrine.
Into my room, Jerome.
You're now about to move up to the front lines.
Come on.
- Have a drink, Jerome. - I don't drink whiskey, Sergeant.
- You will tonight. - Why?
Because I say so.
OK.
I don't like you, Jerome.
I never did. Never will.
I won't even like you after the war.
Well, I probably won't come up all that often.
Probably won't.
Take a slug.
Tell me, Jerome...
...if a piss-drunk sergeant has a loaded. 45 pointed at the head...
...of a piece of dung that the piss-drunk sergeant hates and despises...
...how would you describe the situation?
Delicate. Extremely delicate.
Right.
He's going nuts! He's... he's... he's gonna kill him! I'm telling you!
I'll be honest with you, Jerome. It was my intention of gettin' Epstein in here...
...puttin' this pistol to his ear...
...blowin' a tunnel through his head, but you'll do just as well.
I'm sorry to hear that.
There's somethin' about you New York boys riles my ass.
- You don't appreciate the army, do you? - There are some things I like.
Such as?
Mail. I like getting my mail.
You shittin' me?
Piece of dung would never shit a piss-drunk sergeant with a loaded. 45.
Don't test me, Jerome. I'll bury ya.
You know what the irony of this situation is, Jerome?
The irony is that despite the fact...
...you hate every disciplined bone in my body...
...you're gonna miss me when I go.
Are you going somewhere, Sergeant?
Dickerson.
veterans hospital.
0700 tomorrow morning.
I know how much you boys are gonna miss me.
Don't make a fuss or anything. No gifts, you understand?
Well, the guys'll be disappointed, but I'll explain why.
Ingratitude.
The army is gonna replace my steel plate with sterling silver.
That means I'll be able to hawk my head in any pawnshop in this country.
That's a joke, Jerome.
I know. I love army humour.
How long will you be gone, Sergeant?
They don't send you back from a veterans hospital, boy. You become a veteran.
I'm tryin' to tell you...
...my active career in the US Army has been terminated.
I'm finished. You understand?
Retired before 40. That's sad, isn't it?
- You find that sad, Jerome? - Yes, it is sad.
One night, from my room here...
...I heard that game you played with the men in the barracks.
How each man could have his own fantasy with only a week to live.
I wanna play that game, Jerome. Here's my five bucks.
You tell me if I win.
- You can't win, Sergeant. Game's over. - Not yet. Not till I've had my turn.
Right?
You know what I would do...
...with my last week on earth?
I want to take one army misfit, dumb-ass, subhuman, useless son of a bitch...
...and turn him...
...into an obedient, disciplined soldier this army could be proud of.
I got two in this company - you and Epstein.
But Epstein's hopeless.
You're my last hope, Jerome.
You're gonna make my fantasy come true.
None of them came true. It was just a game.
Right. Except tonight's the real thing.
And I don't have a week to do it in.
We're gonna do it now, soldier.
- On your feet, dogface! - Sergeant, you're not in any condition...
On your feet!
Ten hut!
A crime has been committed in this room tonight, Jerome.
A noncommissioned officer has threatened the life of an enlisted man...
...brandishing a loaded weapon at him without provocation...
...while under the influence of alcohol.
I am that officer, Jerome.
It is your unquestioned duty to report this incident to the proper authorities.
That's OK. I didn't mind.
As I'm piss-drunk and dangerous...
...it's also your duty to relieve me of my loaded weapon.
I could just leave and I would never talk about it.
Take my weapon, goddammit.
What do you mean "take it"? How am I supposed to take it?
Demand it, you weasel bastard. I'll blow your puny brains out.
OK. OK. Um...
- May I have your gun, Sergeant? - Pistol, turdhead!
May I have your pistol, Sergeant?
- Force it out of my hand. - Force it out of your hand?
- How am I supposed to force it out? - Grab my wrist, if you dare.
- I can't. You're stronger than I am. - Grab it or I'll shoot, goddamn you!
OK.
OK. Thank you.
Now, why don't you just...
...try to get a good night's sleep?
To properly charge me, you need witnesses.
Assemble the men outside the barracks.
Well, I... I took your gun. Aren't you satisfied? I am.
It's regulations. As long as you obey regulations, I win the bet.
Assemble the men.
Oh.
Hi, fellas.
Um...
Would you come outside for a minute? Sergeant wants to speak to us.
Men, as you can see...
...I'm piss-drunk.
I've also just threatened to blow Private Jerome's brains out.
Private Jerome has relieved me of my weapon...
...placed me under arrest. You're all witnesses.
Before takin' me to headquarters to file charges...
...I'd just like to add that Private Jerome has displayed outstanding courage...
...and carried out his duty in the manner of a first-class soldier.
I am puttin' him up for commendation. I'm ready to go, Jerome.
I think that's a decision that should be left to the men, Sergeant.
Is that right?
That's right.
Hm.
Private Epstein...
...in your opinion should we drop the charges or not?
No. No charges.
I think the sergeant should get company punishment like the rest of us.
- Would that be all right, Sergeant? - My two misfits are in charge, huh?
Fine. Handle this any way you want, as long as justice is served.
You name it, Epstein.
I think justice would be served...
...if you gave us 200 push-ups.
very decisive.
That's a disciplined soldier for you, men.
Thank you.
- Hit the dirt? - Hit the dirt!
- Count off? - What?
- Tell me to count off! - Right. Count off!
Yes, Private Epstein.
One, two, three...
...four, five, six...
...seven, eight, nine, ten...
...eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen...
...fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty...
We never saw Sergeant Toomey again.
Our new sergeant was a sane, logical and decent man.
After four weeks with him we realised how much we missed Sergeant Toomey.
One should never underestimate the stimulation of eccentricity.
I told Daisy I was shipping out and that this was the last time we'd have together.
She said "I know you'll find another girl some day, Gene...
...but you'll never forget me because we'll always be each other's first love."
Long after the war I ran into Daisy in New York. She still looked great.
She married a doctor from New Orleans.
Her name is now Daisy Horowitz.
Ah, well, Biloxi was beautiful.
We were going to the Battle of the Pacific and there was no one who wasn't scared.
Then they dropped a bomb on Hiroshima and six days later the war was over.
So when you get down to it the only action we ever saw was up in Rowena's place.
Sure, we were glad our lives were spared...
...but the guys who came before us and the ones who didn't make it back home...
...haunted me for the rest of my life.
Roy Selridge decided to make the army his career...
...and 18 years later he was still a buck private.
I guess he never really did hit his peak.
Joseph Wykowski became a high-school football coach in Albany, New York.
He's married with six kids, weighs 280 pounds and has an ulcer.
He's on a low-fat cottage cheese diet.
Don Carney became a school teacher and he's someone the kids can really count on.
He never got married, and he enjoys singing in his church choir.
Epstein became a lawyer and eventually the District Attorney of Brooklyn.
The Mafia calls him "The most feared man in New York."
As for me, I finally found the perfect girl, I got married and had two great daughters.
I became a writer. I wrote a few plays and Ijust finished one called "Biloxi Blues".
Everything in it is true, except Rowena never gave me a second one for free.
Maybe I'll leave that out if they ever make it into a movie.
As I look back now, a lot ofyears later...
...I realise my time in the army was the happiest time of my life.
God knows not because I liked the army...
...and there sure was nothing to like about a war.
I liked it for the most selfish reason of all:
because I was young.
We all were. Me and Epstein and Wykowski...
...Selridge, Carney, Hennesey...
...and even Sergeant Toomey.
I didn't really like most of those guys then...
...but today I love every damn one of them.
Life is weird, you know?